burn

Burn One Down by Ben Harper
My choice is what i choose to do
And if I'm causing no harm it shouldn't bother you
Your choice is who you choose to be
And if you're causing no harm, then you're alright with me
If you dont like my fire then dont come around
Cause I'm gonna burn one down
Yes I'm gonna burn one, down

I’m a good girl and also, a bad girl, -- I believe. In moments of stillness, I find the good girl removing the traces of suspicions and distrust. But sometimes, the bad girl dominates my heart, wrapping it with so much torment and hatred. When such thing happens, I find myself in rage.

But who cares about the thing I must choose between them? All I want to do is to find some courage and be honest.

And I find the good girl in charge today: I don’t seem very happy but I find solace through my faith in Him and from the genuine love given to me.

Most people I’m surrounded with would think that the good girl is the real boss in my life. Maybe, you guys are right. But in any time the bad girl must take over that certain position and rule my mind and heart again, I’m still very open to it. There are people who only see the bad girl, only because she responds to actions received that will wrestle the good, nurture her, and let her get away from starvation.

Whether I choose the good or the bad, I can feel that I am honest; I don’t conceal any false image; I find peace of mind.

I’ll find a way to live the right way and still, with my principles.

angry

Scrubs
In moments of truth, we always reveal who we really are.

There are people who succeed in conflict, but most people would stoop at a certain level and refuse it. Last night was one of those really annoying periods in which I felt that I had to give my shit thrown to these people. I did, at some point.

I finished two bottles of hard liquor with some friends last night. I was “slightly” drunk. I knew what I was doing, seriously. I went upstairs and found this acquaintance, not a close friend, rather an enemy. I behaved in fine form, made the first move to talk to her. I knew that she was cognizant that I can be really bitchy (but I wasn't last night); she saw forgiveness from me coming. The bastard stood up, without uttering a single word. I found myself surrounded by demons after. I received heartless words.

In some cases, I’ve succeeded by asking for forgiveness even if it wasn’t needed on my part. Something similar to last night’s incident happened before. I wanted to reach out to allow the clash become less fierce. But they were all total assholes.

Thanks to these people who defended me last night. They witnessed that there shouldn’t be any way to torment my mind by talking to people who are very close-minded. Also last night, I had one of those moving conversations: people noted that they saw my attachment to ethics. I had alcohol gushing through my blood but I stood in front of those bastards, gave an explanation, behaved in a very polite way.

It’s true that I should stop myself from trusting people easily; believing that all people can have a heart to show some kindness and courtesy. I’ve made a huge mistake on that. I must try to start accepting friendships of those who are more deserving.

Why put me down for no good reason?

I'm not dumping my real friends. You know who you guys are. Thank you!!! :)

oh god, they rock my world

these DVDs of mine save me

realities

Henry David Thoreau
Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit and resign yourself to the influences of each.

I watched a television series from Britain with my friend yesterday. It’s Sugar Rush. We had the DVD played on the laptop. We finished Season 1 and will continue on Season 2 next time. The main character, Kim, came from an imminently dysfunctional family. She fell so madly in love with her best friend Sugar who left a great void in her heart. Sugar fancied over hot men, not attentive enough to figure out all the signals of adoration sent by Kim.

Kim couldn’t tolerate any more loss. Her mother had another man. Her brother was a weirdo. And the only loving presence came from his father who considered marriage and family very important. She felt so unloved having the presence of all upsetting events in her life. By the time she discovered that someone could be there for her, it became her source of love and security.

Kim and Sugar


9 THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE SHOW

1. Many families are fucked up.
2. The relationship of parents affects their children’s perception on love and marriage.
3. Wounds that will come from the many attempts to love in the wrong way will require some time to heal totally.
4. Fighting for who we are with our beliefs and principles is the only way we can stop from making more mistakes.
5. There are relationships that torture us, but the process of coping with pain will build our sense of character.
6. There are moments that we will find ourselves completely alone.
7. Homosexuals must learn to defend themselves against the world that has no right to judge, for the reason that they combat with life’s many battles similar to heterosexuals.
8. We have to live our own life no matter how much pain it will cause others.
9. There are certain events that will forever be imprinted and unconsciously, we’ll carry it for all time.

A member of a family must do things not only for his personal advantage, but for their sake as well. Kim found it hard to be in the middle of her mother and father. There were times that she had to cover up her mother’s mistakes to not see her father and his suffering. We should sometimes allow ourselves to be taken away by the waves of emotions from others but in the stillness of our hearts, we must evaluate events and prioritize personal judgment first.

Sometimes, realizing a dream will hurt another. Kim’s mother, Stella, considered herself with a younger man whom she thought she was more compatible with. Unfortunately, she was traded by the other man for a woman of his age. The time Stella came back to repair the trouble she had done to their home, it was too late. Damages were created and lives were all distorted. It was something she wasn’t able to understand; something remained mysterious to a person like her who lost her honor as a person, trusted lies too much.

Kim’s love for Sugar spanned up to the point of doing all favors just to make her smile. It’s called "loving a straight girl” thing or simply, exposing the self to “unrequited love”. Others might view it as plain obsession: waiting patiently for someone is too ridiculous. But love has many sides we can either dare to discover or not. Loving silently but truly has an extreme power to influence one’s behavior. It’s merely not about the waiting thing. It’s more about wanting to be under the greatest spell, not allowing the capacity to love selflessly to just vanish.

By the way, Kim's character was played by Olivia Hallinan. She's sooo pretty! Lindsay Lohan look-a-like. And they're vodka lovers on the series! I can sooo relate. Haha!

Love, love, love! My head goes mental again. Lol. I’ve been intolerant of all liars and hypocrites who can’t keep their word. I’m angrier than before, I know. Stupid expectations! My heart has grown weary but there’s no more room for the sad thing. There are still saviors present in my life. You know who you are.

tarot

Octvaio Paz
Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone.

I was at Powerplant last week when I decided to go to this certain reading room beside Fully Booked. I wrote my name on the list and waited to be called. I decided to get my favorite gourmet sandwich from Oliver’s. It was 5:30 p.m. when someone asked me to enter the room and let the reading begin.

I met this reader named Raymond. He asked me about my birthday. “You’re an earth element,” he said. He showed me the card of my character. It’s the Hermit. He gave me a card, things I need to know about the Hermit. It’s the first step in Tarot card reading.

From what I’ve handled on, I felt a profound connection with my character card. A Hermit is more of a weary seeker he once was, epitomized by defeat and triumph. He walks every night carrying a lantern. His mind is always ready to blast off into the next dimension where inspiration is situated. The unknown wraps him with many illusions that he ought to decode. He has a desire to be just by himself for some time. He seeks for enlightenment. He must be ready to face possible crushing scenarios as he takes his journey. The Hermit is a wise and inspirational person, struggles to uncover the truth and the moment he comes back, everything will start anew. He’ll even share its brilliance to people around him.

The next step is to ask six questions, draw a card from the deck for every question asked. I asked about family, career, and relationship; things they covered. For my question about family, an answer was stated: I couldn’t handle anymore all miserable feelings it brought in me. He showed me a card, a person stabbed with swords on his abdomen, filled with so much blood. “This is what you’ve become. Bring new strength. Pessimism is not helping you,” Raymond said. I hated what I saw. All my ambitions and dreams could suffer more if I let some situations just bring me to my knees and break me.

I asked again and it was about my career. I can go abroad. I can succeed as long as I use my resources and skills as I carry with me my own definition of integrity. Even supposing a slow process, I should be driven, bear in mind that no one has the right to keep me from achieving my goals - things that are meant for me to have. Like the other fortune teller I met years ago, he told me that he could see from those cards that there’s a chance for me to get another course the moment I finish my current course in college.

Next was this thing romantic relationship. “There’s so much pressure on this one. You’re willing to shoulder the pain of the other. It’s not good.” It’s a tough decision to break free from a certain pattern. There’s a transition stage that is about to come, but I can only welcome it the moment I let go of one thing I embrace dear in my heart. For the past few years, I had the ability to open myself to an honest assessment of flaws and weaknesses. “….because, you’re too afraid,” he added. There are other people willing to enter my life and there’s even a person who can show me the real meaning of companionship and love, help me out with the real process of healing.

I remember Sandy. I remember Raymond. They both told me that I'm very cynical, very negative. I’ve been holding grudges; my chest has been filled with hatred. To counterbalance such dysfunction of the mind and heart, I thought about one thing. It’s love.

St. Paul’s definition of love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres."

I’d like to live with that kind of love - entirely give it, and receive it. I’ve been trying to hold in my arms its consistency. But I don’t think I’m capable of such love. There are relationships that are not meant to be or utterly wrong. It’s expected from us to love each member of our family but sometimes, it can be extremely difficult. It comes to a point of difficulty when I still have to love a person who’ve hurt me or who’ve hurt someone I honestly and sincerely love. I’m learning to get past the pain and perceive that I was the one who made the move, to make our lives better. Yes, it's by forgiving, completely. Another thing I should learn how. Maybe love will show me the way.

In relationships, it’s such a mess when some people cage others; trying to manipulate them and make them into something they’re not. In my case, I should stop pleasing others and not live up to their expections that I must turn out to be the person they thought I should be. Fuck it. When I pursue my heart, I’m not selfish so I’m not like them. That's a fallacy, I know. Haha. Moving on, I’ll achieve greater things, I am going to. Someone new is coming, I believe. I need to be patient, for my own sake.

Off the topic:
I'll be attending the Ramon Magsaysay Awardees' Lecture Series this afternoon. For now, bye folks!!

soulcard reading with sandy

T.H. White
Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically…to those who hardly think about us in return.

Just this month, I had a session with a soulcard reader. Her name is Sandy. Many have been attending reading sessions with her considering her popularity on magazines. She first instructed me to divide the cards then revealed things she could read from some abstract photos that represent my current condition. There were words that hit me hard.

I’m smart but very cynical, very negative. Pain will always play its part in my daily struggle. I have to be strong, use my willpower to battle against the world. I would always hold back my strength from powers that threaten to submerge, trap me, that I'll never feel whole again. She asked me so many questions. I asked her too.

She told me to scream every morning if I have to. The kept feelings of resentment and anguish appear dormant as I adjust to the presence of some people in my life; one thought that fills me with so much terror. When pressure flares up, I should act on it, either to win or to resurrect from the horrible ache it could provide me, without any intention of leaving me alone.

The world of ideas is the thing that matters to me. Every person I loved had been in love with this same muse. We may have been into so many arguments, but intimacy for me requires someone I can talk with. Everything else is secondary. Looks, money, name it… they’re all minor. I’m less of a person when I’m abandoned, with concealed emotions.

We talked about love. She held a card again and said, “I admire your principles in life. Too serious for 18.” We moved on to discussing about relationships. I want other people to feel love as much as I do. Sometimes, it gets to the point that they’re about to enter the realm of accepting certain things, but later on, they would hesitate. Sandy knew one thing that I’ve kept private. Those cards made it easier for her to recognize something confidential. I tried avoiding her succeeding questions. But I’d like to think that all my life, I’ve been brutally honest. I can’t help but to put my complete trust on her.

There is so much power in self-destruction though I haven’t done it. I give respect to myself. Sandy made me realize some things. Don’t let my weakness possess my life. Let love alone rule. If I truly feel the power of love, I need not stab my eyes from the truth. Embrace it. I don’t want to hurt any person. I don’t want to be hurt either.

Paradigms do change and when they’re taking place, it’s hard to concentrate on things. For me, my paradigms reflect personal judgment on reality. Change occurs when I realize the other side of things. Distance takes place and then I begin to see where things have been troubled and do something about it.

Off the topic: I had tarot card reading last week at Powerplant. I’ll share about it next time. ;)

Ayn Rand, "Atlas Shrugged"

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours."

music video

It means something to me. How 'bout to ya?

Peace.

hellawhat?

My iPod
One thing I can never give up... it saves me everyday. See, I'm still alive. :'(

I spent last night chilling out with some friends, had beer drinking in which I didn’t quiet participated well. Damn the barrel, very bitter or was I not in the mood? We talked about some issues. A lot of things have created dullness on some days I’ve just stumbled upon. I learned that at this point, life teaches me how not to be a kid, not to act like a kid, anymore. You get it.

“Be wiser, be wiser...” I say that thing over and over again to myself. I’ve witnessed that some problems I came across seem familiar, like I’ve experienced one already before in some form.

If one person is lucky and rich in friends, receiving unconditional love will always be around. You then go ask for more, make yourself available officially for one person. When it comes to this matter, you have to let the mind and the heart go together, everything follows properly. When they’re not separated, it’s easy to make a distinction on what to hold and what to let go.

Ugghhhh… I can’t lift my head up yet. I see every bit of life around me, some are great… while some suck, big time.

touched

E.E. Cummings
Somewhere I have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which I cannot touch because they are too near

None of these moments are my own but there are special things happening around that will tell me one day that I have to come back, see the sign that I should be grateful. It’s easy for the human mind to forget. I do throw pictures or letters when they don’t signify anything to me anymore. The heart, for all time tough, reminds me about memories that delivered me from any hurting days and how I’ve learned to stop screaming, set my baggage free.

I’d like to share about one surprise which I got from a person - the Maria Sharapova perfume. It's something that will ALWAYS BE meaningful. One person was able to go into my heart, let my borders stretch beyond my comfort zone. It’s not about the price neither the thought of looking for a store that sells it (it’s difficult to be found in Manila). Simply about making me cry out of happiness, something I’ve never done for ages. I didn’t know that I’ll be treated that way, more than what I’d want for myself.

I remember my philo class, “There’s no store that sells love.”

I was captivated by the sincerity of answering every hope I’ve shed, that I should not test my thoughts nor measure my value because someone will always be there and believe in me... happy when I'm happy.

Swerte ko, noh? Siguro. Mahal ako ni God, yan ang totoo.

"THANK YOUUUUU!"

play the present

Soren Kierkegaard
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.

I tried to pamper myself with ordinary comforts yesterday at Greenbelt Makati. I had coffee with my sister and got some stuffs at the mall. My heart has grown weary because of past memories from which I had to retreat myself. I decided to change my mobile number just yesterday to break the pattern of communicating with people who no longer motivate me to progress from days gone by. They don’t appear real the same way as they were on my eyes when I stood in their presence. I’ve sacrificed enough to save the thousand deaths these memories could have suffered but no longer can I tolerate one act seeing my other loved ones mourn over its unbearable hold on me. I have to be free from its stale embrace and let fresh zephyrs be in touch with the brand new life I ought to embark on.

And I don’t find myself alone today. The illusion of security might have really vanished but it doesn’t mean that I have to let myself hold fast to some possibilities at my doors. It’s terrifying to see such things slip away the very moment you’re utterly bounded. This time, I must be extra careful. It has been difficult for me then, to witness doors closing over and over again. But who on this planet can’t be a victim? Circumstances go after us. One friend said to me that maybe I should call this one “karma”. Is there such thing? Most likely. Not one thing I consider at the moment though. I suppose we all get damaging consequences when we’ve habitually lived through these wicked actions.

You know what? One step at a time, I let myself mingle and see what the world really is all about. I used to not care, not minding whether I have big effect on some people or not. Maybe this time, it’s not wrong if there’ll be a large group affected by my existence. That is, my family, friends and yes, new people I get to meet. Let’s see the difference this time.

jaded

Samuel Johnson
That man is never happy for the present is so true, that all his relief from unhappiness is only forgetting himself for a little while. Life is a progress from want to want, not from enjoyment to enjoyment.

I’m currently alone at our pad right now. My two friends Chinky and Kyle (damn, I misssss them) have just came over. We had dinner with familia and some friends of my sissie. Hmmm… left alone right now. Okay okay, the silence feels kinda weird; it brings no relief anymore.

I miss someone. I miss a lot of people. The feeling’s like far-flung and invincible. The forgetful sadness conquered me, mindful on how to hit me cruelly. It’s like, awwwchhhh! But hey, standing on my own two feet, why not? Yes, I seem to look afraid because honestly, I AM. But if I have to.... then, go with the flow.

So there… “Game day wooohoo” is the consistent thing on my mind of my summer’s mwf. The sky overhead doesn’t really uplift my spirit but the sport I look forward creates a sense to stir my eagerness to deal with my day. It’s tennis!!! I’ve been taking this tennis clinic at Makati Sports Club and damn, I sooo love it when I do something I really want, aware of my landing spot.

Moving on, a lot of things have been said and done. Do I have to consider one thing tragic? I should start going through days---alone, wondering if I can do something good this time if I dedicate myself on the other side. Fuck, I hate it. I should stop imposing my will on “that person” and yes, I should run my own life.

Probably, possible love interest may still come. It’s something that may entice, encourage or appeal to me, but I’m not consuming the life of its thrill. In fact, I don’t see it as such anymore. What matters now is to focus on the wrong patterns that I’ve submitted myself to and change it without hurry. I should be accountable for these erroneous actions that have weakened the strongest point of my personality.

To you: Sorry, I’m never constant. I’m never calm. I’m now familiar about one thing such as melancholy you told me, something I let you bear. I’m experiencing it. You know, the sudden hit of despair, slowly at first, then hard and fast. I’m beginning to realize how alone I am right now. I don't know how to name it. One question, are we even?

imagine things

Learning to Breathe Switchfoot
Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Yesterday was Maundy Thursday. I visited the most accessible and practical seven churches with my family and prayed. The day wasn’t that clear. It rained. We went to new places, new territories, and I made a big deal about it. Praying hard, reflecting over things, seeking forgiveness I’ve long forgotten. Since none of us had slept much the night before, we were tired and sluggish the time we headed home. I kind of suck driving (hehe), but my mom allowed me to drive home. Still needs work I think.

I want a car for myself. One dream has been growing inside me for some time. I want to go on road trips with no destination. Hmmm… I want someone with me of course; to escape and go on a picnic when the stars are out. There’s a distant memory, something discouraging to think about. As if nothing can solace the stillness of my heart and even empathy received cannot take away the emotion on how it feels to be alone. In all seriousness, no one has an idea how it is to feel like this and think of someone out there, miles miles away.

Trying to get caught up, not confined aloneness, but more of liberty to decide whatever it takes to get there and unleash the chains. I wish I’ll have complete control over the coming weeks, next week in particular. So many decisions to make. I wish to hear the same wind blowing past my ears, but maybe this time, more powerful and meaningful in that sense. Argh. And yes, sort of excited going to the beach this last week of April. I want to hear a splash in the water. I want to indulge at the beach no matter how scorching the heat of the sun can be. It’s summer. I can’t let myself just dangle somewhere. It’s the break I’ve anticipated.

for love: the unseen

Your Guardian Angel Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

November 25, 2006

Alcohol made me voluble last night. There I was, able to say things on my mind. I’m a lover of freedom, stretching the possibilities which are authentic enough to express myself. I am experience. You got me by chance, maybe. But somehow, I was close to discover how a single chance could affect my life. It’s covering me with so much illusion, in essence, an abstract of vibrant colors. If I were experience itself, I want you to be the meaning, the answer. You brought a sense of determination that I can grow, be a better person, use my free will to love selflessly once again. From one act of bravery, I embark on the way towards my success in the realm of good things.

You know me. Not only because you listen, but with that good heart you’ve got, you refuse to say no when I want you to be there, to hold me, and to pay attention. You help me forget how it feels to be hurt. Like I was never hurt. From you, I only feel the tenderness of living, in the simplest way. Cheap thrills are part of the formula which build every day with ecstasy. What keeps me here with you? I want more. Loving you is driving me mad.

Promises can’t prolong the life of what I have with you. I’m sincerely hoping that I make sure each day, I give what you deserve to have. I don’t know if God made plans for us. One thing’s true, I want Him to be proud of crafting me by seeing the way I love you. It can only prove that I can be a great person when with you, recognizing you as a blessing. God’s not gonna be bad if on purpose, He’ll let you be with me, without end.

spellbound by mystery

Robert Louis Stevenson: "You can not run away from weakness; you must fight it out... or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?”

I woke up early today without having sufficient hours of sleep; a fact that for all time makes my summer days a little more difficult, as others see it. I had to go to SM MOA to attend this driving orientation. So far, so good – that’s how I find driving. On the road, smooth sailing and the time I shifted gears: F***, inner trembling, then, ouch!!! There must be something wrong with position of the driver’s seat that created dislodgment of some ligaments on my right arm. It’s very painful until now. I can’t push it forward, can’t raise it upward. I had to cancel a chilling session with some people for tonight. Argh, unfortunate events really come.

I feel glad that one person I know isn’t affected by extreme depression of the heart anymore. It has been weeks of lonesomeness with shattered and torn heart. The strong language of freedom was justified, as it should be.

It’s true, we can’t run away from weakness and as we fight it out, it isn’t required just for the world to see how strong we are. There’s really a hero inside of us. It will be one’s choice on how he’ll be able to preserve his determination in balancing the truth of action with freedom, and then carry them out. Eventually, we get to know ourselves fully. Be man enough to achieve something in the end.

Here I am again; I can feel the magnificence of blended words. With the help of my computer, everything in the world seems very easy to be uncovered. Millions of pages to come across; chapters can inspire in many ways.

The human emotion pays no attention to the combination of time and distance. Emotions refuse to engage in motionless everyday routine and forceful attack of worthlessness. Sometimes, the approach of connecting your ideas to someone without restraint gives you a hint on what your need is at the very moment. Mindful about the chances of one particular person who can be vaguely determined to be false, be fake, and that all in-depth conversations declare how wonderful it is for the two of you to find each other. That’s the only thing I accept as true, considered valuable to keep. Why not?

So to you whom I’ve just met:
It’s not some sort of warning, but I tell “you”, my soul isn’t completely vacant. You’ve told me that you’re hopeful looking ahead, expecting me to be there, come across the right time after the so many years of waiting. The waves of my heart are unmanageable, can give in to loveliness right away. Enormous faith is required. One careless move can make a fatal error. Only time will tell. Maybe I need years to prove my thoughts but I think that isn’t the perfect thing to consider at the present.

mend your way

To escape from this system is the only thing I can think of. I feel like the only hope I have for myself is now placed inside a decaying container where people gradually put excessive amount of hyperbole and anomalous figures. It’s tiring that I need to get a pinch of pleasure out of my depression. How much more painful words to be thrown on me? I’m fighting to keep everything alive. I’ll do what it takes to change this world. That’s the only certainty for me. Well, I guess.
---few lines extracted from an essay which I wrote last January for philo subj

People converse about things that come into existence. Existence becomes senseless when there are no values or morals in the world. What is the basic truth of life? Are we allowed to imply any connotation? And then, mess up everything?

Once in a while, we set goals motivated by our values and beliefs, deviating from the reality. Truth is, we always have to start somewhere - the roots of our passion that can launch a variety of chances and opportunities.

I’ve met different people. There are people who judge unmercifully. There are people who help me sort things out. There are people who try to maintain my sense of worth by valuing me at high price. There are people who are just there, mainly to observe; while there are these people who accept and love me, regard me as a wonder by using their creative and inspired hearts.

I love the chanting of words, the way people create phrases significantly. There are moments when I attain the level of security from someone but still, I manage to live my life on my own terms. That’s the greatest part of it. I want to be the one in control, craft an essential character, and confine the good from the bad.

When you fight for something, it can often entail a thousand tears and raging emotions. Sooner, you’ll realize that you’ve built grudges continuously. Don’t give up. I believe that there’ll always be a superior voice that will tell you what you must do. You may not have any clue yet, but from these false judgments, disappointments and sorrows you’ve all encountered, they will lead you back to the roots. At that certain point, where passion started, beliefs and values were both molded by time and the “you” who has been combating life was fortified; hold on to it… The route especially made for you will be visibly seen.

take flight

Over the course of last year, I've been concerned with things that swept me aside and let me go. It has been an incredibly painful journey. I'm not the person who was accustomed to the common beliefs of many. But the more I connected myself to them, the more I've adjusted to what I must witness and realize.

Classes ended today. I spent the day with my sister. I’d like to make this one summer unforgettable. It has been such a profound awakening for me to see what I’ve got - that the flesh and blood thing must never be taken for granted. I’ll surely reiterate how wonderful it was to have communicated all my thoughts adequately to one person. I’ve never thought things will fall this way. One day, I believe that “you” can help me scrape away all my insecurities and start learning to trust others more.

I have decided to put aside expectations and get pleasure from all things that are here. I pray that one day, I’ll be truly released from the bondage of blind control, free enough to ascend. But before my head starts to get mental, I’m all set for the whole month. Drive, drive, drive, tennis, tennis, tennis and diet and diet and diet!!!

amen

Things appear much brighter, with all the magnificence the world could ever offer. Will you believe that reality can offer you something more believable than all things you’ve created through your imagination? A believer starts pushing things for the end to emerge into something the way he had planned at the very beginning. One flawed move turns one precious faith to move violently.

There are things that can come out naturally; like fiction – too surreal to actually happen in real life. A person must see how genuine it is through his eyes. And there’s no other thing he must do than to be worthy enough to have it. At least for a moment, he stops, detaches himself from this chaotic world and then starts to smile; lips form a smile that is absent from all false pretensions.

Impassable walls are unhelpful

but there’ll always be a way

if you progress from loneliness

and bleakness of things,

and figure it out yourself

“how”.

first entry

There’s something powerful, more or less magical with the stories we tell. We simply give a clue to others on how they will define us. In due course, we build a community, with communal values and beliefs (maybe), and then we start to challenge systems.

Dressed in an emblem of pride, we tell and retell all mistakes we went through. On the other hand, we can motivate a listener on how to break free from the bondage of these frustrating events. We start giving hints: to struggle and fight even under the slightest ray of hope. The most important thing to become aware of is the power to redesign the pattern of living out of these stories we tell and hear from others.

And with all harmful stories I’ve kept, those had created deadness of my emotions. But I feel sorry that I allowed myself to become trapped in by giving too much power to these hard stories. I shall be freely delivered through grace by one’s unpolluted heart and not by another sinner like me, all doubts and regrets are woven deeply into the blood and imagination.

I tried to stop blogging... but I don’t think that it’s already time to experience an emotional disconnection from this world of soul searchers and dreamers. All my experiences change irrevocably and one character will always appear in the end.

Witness it with me.

And yes, this is my new blog. ;)