jaded

Samuel Johnson
That man is never happy for the present is so true, that all his relief from unhappiness is only forgetting himself for a little while. Life is a progress from want to want, not from enjoyment to enjoyment.

I’m currently alone at our pad right now. My two friends Chinky and Kyle (damn, I misssss them) have just came over. We had dinner with familia and some friends of my sissie. Hmmm… left alone right now. Okay okay, the silence feels kinda weird; it brings no relief anymore.

I miss someone. I miss a lot of people. The feeling’s like far-flung and invincible. The forgetful sadness conquered me, mindful on how to hit me cruelly. It’s like, awwwchhhh! But hey, standing on my own two feet, why not? Yes, I seem to look afraid because honestly, I AM. But if I have to.... then, go with the flow.

So there… “Game day wooohoo” is the consistent thing on my mind of my summer’s mwf. The sky overhead doesn’t really uplift my spirit but the sport I look forward creates a sense to stir my eagerness to deal with my day. It’s tennis!!! I’ve been taking this tennis clinic at Makati Sports Club and damn, I sooo love it when I do something I really want, aware of my landing spot.

Moving on, a lot of things have been said and done. Do I have to consider one thing tragic? I should start going through days---alone, wondering if I can do something good this time if I dedicate myself on the other side. Fuck, I hate it. I should stop imposing my will on “that person” and yes, I should run my own life.

Probably, possible love interest may still come. It’s something that may entice, encourage or appeal to me, but I’m not consuming the life of its thrill. In fact, I don’t see it as such anymore. What matters now is to focus on the wrong patterns that I’ve submitted myself to and change it without hurry. I should be accountable for these erroneous actions that have weakened the strongest point of my personality.

To you: Sorry, I’m never constant. I’m never calm. I’m now familiar about one thing such as melancholy you told me, something I let you bear. I’m experiencing it. You know, the sudden hit of despair, slowly at first, then hard and fast. I’m beginning to realize how alone I am right now. I don't know how to name it. One question, are we even?