play the present

Soren Kierkegaard
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.

I tried to pamper myself with ordinary comforts yesterday at Greenbelt Makati. I had coffee with my sister and got some stuffs at the mall. My heart has grown weary because of past memories from which I had to retreat myself. I decided to change my mobile number just yesterday to break the pattern of communicating with people who no longer motivate me to progress from days gone by. They don’t appear real the same way as they were on my eyes when I stood in their presence. I’ve sacrificed enough to save the thousand deaths these memories could have suffered but no longer can I tolerate one act seeing my other loved ones mourn over its unbearable hold on me. I have to be free from its stale embrace and let fresh zephyrs be in touch with the brand new life I ought to embark on.

And I don’t find myself alone today. The illusion of security might have really vanished but it doesn’t mean that I have to let myself hold fast to some possibilities at my doors. It’s terrifying to see such things slip away the very moment you’re utterly bounded. This time, I must be extra careful. It has been difficult for me then, to witness doors closing over and over again. But who on this planet can’t be a victim? Circumstances go after us. One friend said to me that maybe I should call this one “karma”. Is there such thing? Most likely. Not one thing I consider at the moment though. I suppose we all get damaging consequences when we’ve habitually lived through these wicked actions.

You know what? One step at a time, I let myself mingle and see what the world really is all about. I used to not care, not minding whether I have big effect on some people or not. Maybe this time, it’s not wrong if there’ll be a large group affected by my existence. That is, my family, friends and yes, new people I get to meet. Let’s see the difference this time.