tarot

Octvaio Paz
Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone.

I was at Powerplant last week when I decided to go to this certain reading room beside Fully Booked. I wrote my name on the list and waited to be called. I decided to get my favorite gourmet sandwich from Oliver’s. It was 5:30 p.m. when someone asked me to enter the room and let the reading begin.

I met this reader named Raymond. He asked me about my birthday. “You’re an earth element,” he said. He showed me the card of my character. It’s the Hermit. He gave me a card, things I need to know about the Hermit. It’s the first step in Tarot card reading.

From what I’ve handled on, I felt a profound connection with my character card. A Hermit is more of a weary seeker he once was, epitomized by defeat and triumph. He walks every night carrying a lantern. His mind is always ready to blast off into the next dimension where inspiration is situated. The unknown wraps him with many illusions that he ought to decode. He has a desire to be just by himself for some time. He seeks for enlightenment. He must be ready to face possible crushing scenarios as he takes his journey. The Hermit is a wise and inspirational person, struggles to uncover the truth and the moment he comes back, everything will start anew. He’ll even share its brilliance to people around him.

The next step is to ask six questions, draw a card from the deck for every question asked. I asked about family, career, and relationship; things they covered. For my question about family, an answer was stated: I couldn’t handle anymore all miserable feelings it brought in me. He showed me a card, a person stabbed with swords on his abdomen, filled with so much blood. “This is what you’ve become. Bring new strength. Pessimism is not helping you,” Raymond said. I hated what I saw. All my ambitions and dreams could suffer more if I let some situations just bring me to my knees and break me.

I asked again and it was about my career. I can go abroad. I can succeed as long as I use my resources and skills as I carry with me my own definition of integrity. Even supposing a slow process, I should be driven, bear in mind that no one has the right to keep me from achieving my goals - things that are meant for me to have. Like the other fortune teller I met years ago, he told me that he could see from those cards that there’s a chance for me to get another course the moment I finish my current course in college.

Next was this thing romantic relationship. “There’s so much pressure on this one. You’re willing to shoulder the pain of the other. It’s not good.” It’s a tough decision to break free from a certain pattern. There’s a transition stage that is about to come, but I can only welcome it the moment I let go of one thing I embrace dear in my heart. For the past few years, I had the ability to open myself to an honest assessment of flaws and weaknesses. “….because, you’re too afraid,” he added. There are other people willing to enter my life and there’s even a person who can show me the real meaning of companionship and love, help me out with the real process of healing.

I remember Sandy. I remember Raymond. They both told me that I'm very cynical, very negative. I’ve been holding grudges; my chest has been filled with hatred. To counterbalance such dysfunction of the mind and heart, I thought about one thing. It’s love.

St. Paul’s definition of love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres."

I’d like to live with that kind of love - entirely give it, and receive it. I’ve been trying to hold in my arms its consistency. But I don’t think I’m capable of such love. There are relationships that are not meant to be or utterly wrong. It’s expected from us to love each member of our family but sometimes, it can be extremely difficult. It comes to a point of difficulty when I still have to love a person who’ve hurt me or who’ve hurt someone I honestly and sincerely love. I’m learning to get past the pain and perceive that I was the one who made the move, to make our lives better. Yes, it's by forgiving, completely. Another thing I should learn how. Maybe love will show me the way.

In relationships, it’s such a mess when some people cage others; trying to manipulate them and make them into something they’re not. In my case, I should stop pleasing others and not live up to their expections that I must turn out to be the person they thought I should be. Fuck it. When I pursue my heart, I’m not selfish so I’m not like them. That's a fallacy, I know. Haha. Moving on, I’ll achieve greater things, I am going to. Someone new is coming, I believe. I need to be patient, for my own sake.

Off the topic:
I'll be attending the Ramon Magsaysay Awardees' Lecture Series this afternoon. For now, bye folks!!