hellawhat?

My iPod
One thing I can never give up... it saves me everyday. See, I'm still alive. :'(

I spent last night chilling out with some friends, had beer drinking in which I didn’t quiet participated well. Damn the barrel, very bitter or was I not in the mood? We talked about some issues. A lot of things have created dullness on some days I’ve just stumbled upon. I learned that at this point, life teaches me how not to be a kid, not to act like a kid, anymore. You get it.

“Be wiser, be wiser...” I say that thing over and over again to myself. I’ve witnessed that some problems I came across seem familiar, like I’ve experienced one already before in some form.

If one person is lucky and rich in friends, receiving unconditional love will always be around. You then go ask for more, make yourself available officially for one person. When it comes to this matter, you have to let the mind and the heart go together, everything follows properly. When they’re not separated, it’s easy to make a distinction on what to hold and what to let go.

Ugghhhh… I can’t lift my head up yet. I see every bit of life around me, some are great… while some suck, big time.

touched

E.E. Cummings
Somewhere I have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which I cannot touch because they are too near

None of these moments are my own but there are special things happening around that will tell me one day that I have to come back, see the sign that I should be grateful. It’s easy for the human mind to forget. I do throw pictures or letters when they don’t signify anything to me anymore. The heart, for all time tough, reminds me about memories that delivered me from any hurting days and how I’ve learned to stop screaming, set my baggage free.

I’d like to share about one surprise which I got from a person - the Maria Sharapova perfume. It's something that will ALWAYS BE meaningful. One person was able to go into my heart, let my borders stretch beyond my comfort zone. It’s not about the price neither the thought of looking for a store that sells it (it’s difficult to be found in Manila). Simply about making me cry out of happiness, something I’ve never done for ages. I didn’t know that I’ll be treated that way, more than what I’d want for myself.

I remember my philo class, “There’s no store that sells love.”

I was captivated by the sincerity of answering every hope I’ve shed, that I should not test my thoughts nor measure my value because someone will always be there and believe in me... happy when I'm happy.

Swerte ko, noh? Siguro. Mahal ako ni God, yan ang totoo.

"THANK YOUUUUU!"

play the present

Soren Kierkegaard
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.

I tried to pamper myself with ordinary comforts yesterday at Greenbelt Makati. I had coffee with my sister and got some stuffs at the mall. My heart has grown weary because of past memories from which I had to retreat myself. I decided to change my mobile number just yesterday to break the pattern of communicating with people who no longer motivate me to progress from days gone by. They don’t appear real the same way as they were on my eyes when I stood in their presence. I’ve sacrificed enough to save the thousand deaths these memories could have suffered but no longer can I tolerate one act seeing my other loved ones mourn over its unbearable hold on me. I have to be free from its stale embrace and let fresh zephyrs be in touch with the brand new life I ought to embark on.

And I don’t find myself alone today. The illusion of security might have really vanished but it doesn’t mean that I have to let myself hold fast to some possibilities at my doors. It’s terrifying to see such things slip away the very moment you’re utterly bounded. This time, I must be extra careful. It has been difficult for me then, to witness doors closing over and over again. But who on this planet can’t be a victim? Circumstances go after us. One friend said to me that maybe I should call this one “karma”. Is there such thing? Most likely. Not one thing I consider at the moment though. I suppose we all get damaging consequences when we’ve habitually lived through these wicked actions.

You know what? One step at a time, I let myself mingle and see what the world really is all about. I used to not care, not minding whether I have big effect on some people or not. Maybe this time, it’s not wrong if there’ll be a large group affected by my existence. That is, my family, friends and yes, new people I get to meet. Let’s see the difference this time.

jaded

Samuel Johnson
That man is never happy for the present is so true, that all his relief from unhappiness is only forgetting himself for a little while. Life is a progress from want to want, not from enjoyment to enjoyment.

I’m currently alone at our pad right now. My two friends Chinky and Kyle (damn, I misssss them) have just came over. We had dinner with familia and some friends of my sissie. Hmmm… left alone right now. Okay okay, the silence feels kinda weird; it brings no relief anymore.

I miss someone. I miss a lot of people. The feeling’s like far-flung and invincible. The forgetful sadness conquered me, mindful on how to hit me cruelly. It’s like, awwwchhhh! But hey, standing on my own two feet, why not? Yes, I seem to look afraid because honestly, I AM. But if I have to.... then, go with the flow.

So there… “Game day wooohoo” is the consistent thing on my mind of my summer’s mwf. The sky overhead doesn’t really uplift my spirit but the sport I look forward creates a sense to stir my eagerness to deal with my day. It’s tennis!!! I’ve been taking this tennis clinic at Makati Sports Club and damn, I sooo love it when I do something I really want, aware of my landing spot.

Moving on, a lot of things have been said and done. Do I have to consider one thing tragic? I should start going through days---alone, wondering if I can do something good this time if I dedicate myself on the other side. Fuck, I hate it. I should stop imposing my will on “that person” and yes, I should run my own life.

Probably, possible love interest may still come. It’s something that may entice, encourage or appeal to me, but I’m not consuming the life of its thrill. In fact, I don’t see it as such anymore. What matters now is to focus on the wrong patterns that I’ve submitted myself to and change it without hurry. I should be accountable for these erroneous actions that have weakened the strongest point of my personality.

To you: Sorry, I’m never constant. I’m never calm. I’m now familiar about one thing such as melancholy you told me, something I let you bear. I’m experiencing it. You know, the sudden hit of despair, slowly at first, then hard and fast. I’m beginning to realize how alone I am right now. I don't know how to name it. One question, are we even?

imagine things

Learning to Breathe Switchfoot
Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Yesterday was Maundy Thursday. I visited the most accessible and practical seven churches with my family and prayed. The day wasn’t that clear. It rained. We went to new places, new territories, and I made a big deal about it. Praying hard, reflecting over things, seeking forgiveness I’ve long forgotten. Since none of us had slept much the night before, we were tired and sluggish the time we headed home. I kind of suck driving (hehe), but my mom allowed me to drive home. Still needs work I think.

I want a car for myself. One dream has been growing inside me for some time. I want to go on road trips with no destination. Hmmm… I want someone with me of course; to escape and go on a picnic when the stars are out. There’s a distant memory, something discouraging to think about. As if nothing can solace the stillness of my heart and even empathy received cannot take away the emotion on how it feels to be alone. In all seriousness, no one has an idea how it is to feel like this and think of someone out there, miles miles away.

Trying to get caught up, not confined aloneness, but more of liberty to decide whatever it takes to get there and unleash the chains. I wish I’ll have complete control over the coming weeks, next week in particular. So many decisions to make. I wish to hear the same wind blowing past my ears, but maybe this time, more powerful and meaningful in that sense. Argh. And yes, sort of excited going to the beach this last week of April. I want to hear a splash in the water. I want to indulge at the beach no matter how scorching the heat of the sun can be. It’s summer. I can’t let myself just dangle somewhere. It’s the break I’ve anticipated.