for love: the unseen

Your Guardian Angel Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

November 25, 2006

Alcohol made me voluble last night. There I was, able to say things on my mind. I’m a lover of freedom, stretching the possibilities which are authentic enough to express myself. I am experience. You got me by chance, maybe. But somehow, I was close to discover how a single chance could affect my life. It’s covering me with so much illusion, in essence, an abstract of vibrant colors. If I were experience itself, I want you to be the meaning, the answer. You brought a sense of determination that I can grow, be a better person, use my free will to love selflessly once again. From one act of bravery, I embark on the way towards my success in the realm of good things.

You know me. Not only because you listen, but with that good heart you’ve got, you refuse to say no when I want you to be there, to hold me, and to pay attention. You help me forget how it feels to be hurt. Like I was never hurt. From you, I only feel the tenderness of living, in the simplest way. Cheap thrills are part of the formula which build every day with ecstasy. What keeps me here with you? I want more. Loving you is driving me mad.

Promises can’t prolong the life of what I have with you. I’m sincerely hoping that I make sure each day, I give what you deserve to have. I don’t know if God made plans for us. One thing’s true, I want Him to be proud of crafting me by seeing the way I love you. It can only prove that I can be a great person when with you, recognizing you as a blessing. God’s not gonna be bad if on purpose, He’ll let you be with me, without end.

spellbound by mystery

Robert Louis Stevenson: "You can not run away from weakness; you must fight it out... or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?”

I woke up early today without having sufficient hours of sleep; a fact that for all time makes my summer days a little more difficult, as others see it. I had to go to SM MOA to attend this driving orientation. So far, so good – that’s how I find driving. On the road, smooth sailing and the time I shifted gears: F***, inner trembling, then, ouch!!! There must be something wrong with position of the driver’s seat that created dislodgment of some ligaments on my right arm. It’s very painful until now. I can’t push it forward, can’t raise it upward. I had to cancel a chilling session with some people for tonight. Argh, unfortunate events really come.

I feel glad that one person I know isn’t affected by extreme depression of the heart anymore. It has been weeks of lonesomeness with shattered and torn heart. The strong language of freedom was justified, as it should be.

It’s true, we can’t run away from weakness and as we fight it out, it isn’t required just for the world to see how strong we are. There’s really a hero inside of us. It will be one’s choice on how he’ll be able to preserve his determination in balancing the truth of action with freedom, and then carry them out. Eventually, we get to know ourselves fully. Be man enough to achieve something in the end.

Here I am again; I can feel the magnificence of blended words. With the help of my computer, everything in the world seems very easy to be uncovered. Millions of pages to come across; chapters can inspire in many ways.

The human emotion pays no attention to the combination of time and distance. Emotions refuse to engage in motionless everyday routine and forceful attack of worthlessness. Sometimes, the approach of connecting your ideas to someone without restraint gives you a hint on what your need is at the very moment. Mindful about the chances of one particular person who can be vaguely determined to be false, be fake, and that all in-depth conversations declare how wonderful it is for the two of you to find each other. That’s the only thing I accept as true, considered valuable to keep. Why not?

So to you whom I’ve just met:
It’s not some sort of warning, but I tell “you”, my soul isn’t completely vacant. You’ve told me that you’re hopeful looking ahead, expecting me to be there, come across the right time after the so many years of waiting. The waves of my heart are unmanageable, can give in to loveliness right away. Enormous faith is required. One careless move can make a fatal error. Only time will tell. Maybe I need years to prove my thoughts but I think that isn’t the perfect thing to consider at the present.

mend your way

To escape from this system is the only thing I can think of. I feel like the only hope I have for myself is now placed inside a decaying container where people gradually put excessive amount of hyperbole and anomalous figures. It’s tiring that I need to get a pinch of pleasure out of my depression. How much more painful words to be thrown on me? I’m fighting to keep everything alive. I’ll do what it takes to change this world. That’s the only certainty for me. Well, I guess.
---few lines extracted from an essay which I wrote last January for philo subj

People converse about things that come into existence. Existence becomes senseless when there are no values or morals in the world. What is the basic truth of life? Are we allowed to imply any connotation? And then, mess up everything?

Once in a while, we set goals motivated by our values and beliefs, deviating from the reality. Truth is, we always have to start somewhere - the roots of our passion that can launch a variety of chances and opportunities.

I’ve met different people. There are people who judge unmercifully. There are people who help me sort things out. There are people who try to maintain my sense of worth by valuing me at high price. There are people who are just there, mainly to observe; while there are these people who accept and love me, regard me as a wonder by using their creative and inspired hearts.

I love the chanting of words, the way people create phrases significantly. There are moments when I attain the level of security from someone but still, I manage to live my life on my own terms. That’s the greatest part of it. I want to be the one in control, craft an essential character, and confine the good from the bad.

When you fight for something, it can often entail a thousand tears and raging emotions. Sooner, you’ll realize that you’ve built grudges continuously. Don’t give up. I believe that there’ll always be a superior voice that will tell you what you must do. You may not have any clue yet, but from these false judgments, disappointments and sorrows you’ve all encountered, they will lead you back to the roots. At that certain point, where passion started, beliefs and values were both molded by time and the “you” who has been combating life was fortified; hold on to it… The route especially made for you will be visibly seen.

take flight

Over the course of last year, I've been concerned with things that swept me aside and let me go. It has been an incredibly painful journey. I'm not the person who was accustomed to the common beliefs of many. But the more I connected myself to them, the more I've adjusted to what I must witness and realize.

Classes ended today. I spent the day with my sister. I’d like to make this one summer unforgettable. It has been such a profound awakening for me to see what I’ve got - that the flesh and blood thing must never be taken for granted. I’ll surely reiterate how wonderful it was to have communicated all my thoughts adequately to one person. I’ve never thought things will fall this way. One day, I believe that “you” can help me scrape away all my insecurities and start learning to trust others more.

I have decided to put aside expectations and get pleasure from all things that are here. I pray that one day, I’ll be truly released from the bondage of blind control, free enough to ascend. But before my head starts to get mental, I’m all set for the whole month. Drive, drive, drive, tennis, tennis, tennis and diet and diet and diet!!!

amen

Things appear much brighter, with all the magnificence the world could ever offer. Will you believe that reality can offer you something more believable than all things you’ve created through your imagination? A believer starts pushing things for the end to emerge into something the way he had planned at the very beginning. One flawed move turns one precious faith to move violently.

There are things that can come out naturally; like fiction – too surreal to actually happen in real life. A person must see how genuine it is through his eyes. And there’s no other thing he must do than to be worthy enough to have it. At least for a moment, he stops, detaches himself from this chaotic world and then starts to smile; lips form a smile that is absent from all false pretensions.

Impassable walls are unhelpful

but there’ll always be a way

if you progress from loneliness

and bleakness of things,

and figure it out yourself

“how”.

first entry

There’s something powerful, more or less magical with the stories we tell. We simply give a clue to others on how they will define us. In due course, we build a community, with communal values and beliefs (maybe), and then we start to challenge systems.

Dressed in an emblem of pride, we tell and retell all mistakes we went through. On the other hand, we can motivate a listener on how to break free from the bondage of these frustrating events. We start giving hints: to struggle and fight even under the slightest ray of hope. The most important thing to become aware of is the power to redesign the pattern of living out of these stories we tell and hear from others.

And with all harmful stories I’ve kept, those had created deadness of my emotions. But I feel sorry that I allowed myself to become trapped in by giving too much power to these hard stories. I shall be freely delivered through grace by one’s unpolluted heart and not by another sinner like me, all doubts and regrets are woven deeply into the blood and imagination.

I tried to stop blogging... but I don’t think that it’s already time to experience an emotional disconnection from this world of soul searchers and dreamers. All my experiences change irrevocably and one character will always appear in the end.

Witness it with me.

And yes, this is my new blog. ;)