burn

Burn One Down by Ben Harper
My choice is what i choose to do
And if I'm causing no harm it shouldn't bother you
Your choice is who you choose to be
And if you're causing no harm, then you're alright with me
If you dont like my fire then dont come around
Cause I'm gonna burn one down
Yes I'm gonna burn one, down

I’m a good girl and also, a bad girl, -- I believe. In moments of stillness, I find the good girl removing the traces of suspicions and distrust. But sometimes, the bad girl dominates my heart, wrapping it with so much torment and hatred. When such thing happens, I find myself in rage.

But who cares about the thing I must choose between them? All I want to do is to find some courage and be honest.

And I find the good girl in charge today: I don’t seem very happy but I find solace through my faith in Him and from the genuine love given to me.

Most people I’m surrounded with would think that the good girl is the real boss in my life. Maybe, you guys are right. But in any time the bad girl must take over that certain position and rule my mind and heart again, I’m still very open to it. There are people who only see the bad girl, only because she responds to actions received that will wrestle the good, nurture her, and let her get away from starvation.

Whether I choose the good or the bad, I can feel that I am honest; I don’t conceal any false image; I find peace of mind.

I’ll find a way to live the right way and still, with my principles.

angry

Scrubs
In moments of truth, we always reveal who we really are.

There are people who succeed in conflict, but most people would stoop at a certain level and refuse it. Last night was one of those really annoying periods in which I felt that I had to give my shit thrown to these people. I did, at some point.

I finished two bottles of hard liquor with some friends last night. I was “slightly” drunk. I knew what I was doing, seriously. I went upstairs and found this acquaintance, not a close friend, rather an enemy. I behaved in fine form, made the first move to talk to her. I knew that she was cognizant that I can be really bitchy (but I wasn't last night); she saw forgiveness from me coming. The bastard stood up, without uttering a single word. I found myself surrounded by demons after. I received heartless words.

In some cases, I’ve succeeded by asking for forgiveness even if it wasn’t needed on my part. Something similar to last night’s incident happened before. I wanted to reach out to allow the clash become less fierce. But they were all total assholes.

Thanks to these people who defended me last night. They witnessed that there shouldn’t be any way to torment my mind by talking to people who are very close-minded. Also last night, I had one of those moving conversations: people noted that they saw my attachment to ethics. I had alcohol gushing through my blood but I stood in front of those bastards, gave an explanation, behaved in a very polite way.

It’s true that I should stop myself from trusting people easily; believing that all people can have a heart to show some kindness and courtesy. I’ve made a huge mistake on that. I must try to start accepting friendships of those who are more deserving.

Why put me down for no good reason?

I'm not dumping my real friends. You know who you guys are. Thank you!!! :)

oh god, they rock my world

these DVDs of mine save me

realities

Henry David Thoreau
Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit and resign yourself to the influences of each.

I watched a television series from Britain with my friend yesterday. It’s Sugar Rush. We had the DVD played on the laptop. We finished Season 1 and will continue on Season 2 next time. The main character, Kim, came from an imminently dysfunctional family. She fell so madly in love with her best friend Sugar who left a great void in her heart. Sugar fancied over hot men, not attentive enough to figure out all the signals of adoration sent by Kim.

Kim couldn’t tolerate any more loss. Her mother had another man. Her brother was a weirdo. And the only loving presence came from his father who considered marriage and family very important. She felt so unloved having the presence of all upsetting events in her life. By the time she discovered that someone could be there for her, it became her source of love and security.

Kim and Sugar


9 THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE SHOW

1. Many families are fucked up.
2. The relationship of parents affects their children’s perception on love and marriage.
3. Wounds that will come from the many attempts to love in the wrong way will require some time to heal totally.
4. Fighting for who we are with our beliefs and principles is the only way we can stop from making more mistakes.
5. There are relationships that torture us, but the process of coping with pain will build our sense of character.
6. There are moments that we will find ourselves completely alone.
7. Homosexuals must learn to defend themselves against the world that has no right to judge, for the reason that they combat with life’s many battles similar to heterosexuals.
8. We have to live our own life no matter how much pain it will cause others.
9. There are certain events that will forever be imprinted and unconsciously, we’ll carry it for all time.

A member of a family must do things not only for his personal advantage, but for their sake as well. Kim found it hard to be in the middle of her mother and father. There were times that she had to cover up her mother’s mistakes to not see her father and his suffering. We should sometimes allow ourselves to be taken away by the waves of emotions from others but in the stillness of our hearts, we must evaluate events and prioritize personal judgment first.

Sometimes, realizing a dream will hurt another. Kim’s mother, Stella, considered herself with a younger man whom she thought she was more compatible with. Unfortunately, she was traded by the other man for a woman of his age. The time Stella came back to repair the trouble she had done to their home, it was too late. Damages were created and lives were all distorted. It was something she wasn’t able to understand; something remained mysterious to a person like her who lost her honor as a person, trusted lies too much.

Kim’s love for Sugar spanned up to the point of doing all favors just to make her smile. It’s called "loving a straight girl” thing or simply, exposing the self to “unrequited love”. Others might view it as plain obsession: waiting patiently for someone is too ridiculous. But love has many sides we can either dare to discover or not. Loving silently but truly has an extreme power to influence one’s behavior. It’s merely not about the waiting thing. It’s more about wanting to be under the greatest spell, not allowing the capacity to love selflessly to just vanish.

By the way, Kim's character was played by Olivia Hallinan. She's sooo pretty! Lindsay Lohan look-a-like. And they're vodka lovers on the series! I can sooo relate. Haha!

Love, love, love! My head goes mental again. Lol. I’ve been intolerant of all liars and hypocrites who can’t keep their word. I’m angrier than before, I know. Stupid expectations! My heart has grown weary but there’s no more room for the sad thing. There are still saviors present in my life. You know who you are.

tarot

Octvaio Paz
Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone.

I was at Powerplant last week when I decided to go to this certain reading room beside Fully Booked. I wrote my name on the list and waited to be called. I decided to get my favorite gourmet sandwich from Oliver’s. It was 5:30 p.m. when someone asked me to enter the room and let the reading begin.

I met this reader named Raymond. He asked me about my birthday. “You’re an earth element,” he said. He showed me the card of my character. It’s the Hermit. He gave me a card, things I need to know about the Hermit. It’s the first step in Tarot card reading.

From what I’ve handled on, I felt a profound connection with my character card. A Hermit is more of a weary seeker he once was, epitomized by defeat and triumph. He walks every night carrying a lantern. His mind is always ready to blast off into the next dimension where inspiration is situated. The unknown wraps him with many illusions that he ought to decode. He has a desire to be just by himself for some time. He seeks for enlightenment. He must be ready to face possible crushing scenarios as he takes his journey. The Hermit is a wise and inspirational person, struggles to uncover the truth and the moment he comes back, everything will start anew. He’ll even share its brilliance to people around him.

The next step is to ask six questions, draw a card from the deck for every question asked. I asked about family, career, and relationship; things they covered. For my question about family, an answer was stated: I couldn’t handle anymore all miserable feelings it brought in me. He showed me a card, a person stabbed with swords on his abdomen, filled with so much blood. “This is what you’ve become. Bring new strength. Pessimism is not helping you,” Raymond said. I hated what I saw. All my ambitions and dreams could suffer more if I let some situations just bring me to my knees and break me.

I asked again and it was about my career. I can go abroad. I can succeed as long as I use my resources and skills as I carry with me my own definition of integrity. Even supposing a slow process, I should be driven, bear in mind that no one has the right to keep me from achieving my goals - things that are meant for me to have. Like the other fortune teller I met years ago, he told me that he could see from those cards that there’s a chance for me to get another course the moment I finish my current course in college.

Next was this thing romantic relationship. “There’s so much pressure on this one. You’re willing to shoulder the pain of the other. It’s not good.” It’s a tough decision to break free from a certain pattern. There’s a transition stage that is about to come, but I can only welcome it the moment I let go of one thing I embrace dear in my heart. For the past few years, I had the ability to open myself to an honest assessment of flaws and weaknesses. “….because, you’re too afraid,” he added. There are other people willing to enter my life and there’s even a person who can show me the real meaning of companionship and love, help me out with the real process of healing.

I remember Sandy. I remember Raymond. They both told me that I'm very cynical, very negative. I’ve been holding grudges; my chest has been filled with hatred. To counterbalance such dysfunction of the mind and heart, I thought about one thing. It’s love.

St. Paul’s definition of love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres."

I’d like to live with that kind of love - entirely give it, and receive it. I’ve been trying to hold in my arms its consistency. But I don’t think I’m capable of such love. There are relationships that are not meant to be or utterly wrong. It’s expected from us to love each member of our family but sometimes, it can be extremely difficult. It comes to a point of difficulty when I still have to love a person who’ve hurt me or who’ve hurt someone I honestly and sincerely love. I’m learning to get past the pain and perceive that I was the one who made the move, to make our lives better. Yes, it's by forgiving, completely. Another thing I should learn how. Maybe love will show me the way.

In relationships, it’s such a mess when some people cage others; trying to manipulate them and make them into something they’re not. In my case, I should stop pleasing others and not live up to their expections that I must turn out to be the person they thought I should be. Fuck it. When I pursue my heart, I’m not selfish so I’m not like them. That's a fallacy, I know. Haha. Moving on, I’ll achieve greater things, I am going to. Someone new is coming, I believe. I need to be patient, for my own sake.

Off the topic:
I'll be attending the Ramon Magsaysay Awardees' Lecture Series this afternoon. For now, bye folks!!

soulcard reading with sandy

T.H. White
Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically…to those who hardly think about us in return.

Just this month, I had a session with a soulcard reader. Her name is Sandy. Many have been attending reading sessions with her considering her popularity on magazines. She first instructed me to divide the cards then revealed things she could read from some abstract photos that represent my current condition. There were words that hit me hard.

I’m smart but very cynical, very negative. Pain will always play its part in my daily struggle. I have to be strong, use my willpower to battle against the world. I would always hold back my strength from powers that threaten to submerge, trap me, that I'll never feel whole again. She asked me so many questions. I asked her too.

She told me to scream every morning if I have to. The kept feelings of resentment and anguish appear dormant as I adjust to the presence of some people in my life; one thought that fills me with so much terror. When pressure flares up, I should act on it, either to win or to resurrect from the horrible ache it could provide me, without any intention of leaving me alone.

The world of ideas is the thing that matters to me. Every person I loved had been in love with this same muse. We may have been into so many arguments, but intimacy for me requires someone I can talk with. Everything else is secondary. Looks, money, name it… they’re all minor. I’m less of a person when I’m abandoned, with concealed emotions.

We talked about love. She held a card again and said, “I admire your principles in life. Too serious for 18.” We moved on to discussing about relationships. I want other people to feel love as much as I do. Sometimes, it gets to the point that they’re about to enter the realm of accepting certain things, but later on, they would hesitate. Sandy knew one thing that I’ve kept private. Those cards made it easier for her to recognize something confidential. I tried avoiding her succeeding questions. But I’d like to think that all my life, I’ve been brutally honest. I can’t help but to put my complete trust on her.

There is so much power in self-destruction though I haven’t done it. I give respect to myself. Sandy made me realize some things. Don’t let my weakness possess my life. Let love alone rule. If I truly feel the power of love, I need not stab my eyes from the truth. Embrace it. I don’t want to hurt any person. I don’t want to be hurt either.

Paradigms do change and when they’re taking place, it’s hard to concentrate on things. For me, my paradigms reflect personal judgment on reality. Change occurs when I realize the other side of things. Distance takes place and then I begin to see where things have been troubled and do something about it.

Off the topic: I had tarot card reading last week at Powerplant. I’ll share about it next time. ;)

Ayn Rand, "Atlas Shrugged"

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours."